I remember my conversations with Tim and the shame I felt when I named the sense of being weak and powerless. I used to refer to it as the “E” word because it felt shameful to say it out loud. I had been “E”masculated as a child and at first, talking about my shame felt like admitting that I was not man enough. Enough for what? Enough to get my dad’s approval? Enough to fit into the masculine cultural stereotype? Enough to develop an intimate relationship with a woman? I’m was not totally sure, but the sense that I was not enough was only exacerbated by naming my emasculation.
With encouragement from my coach I began to tell my shame story. . . at first to Betty and a few trusted friends and then to a growing circle. While I had a growing set of experiences that conveyed that I would not be judged, the old memories and the accompanying shame voice still controlled me. [Read more…]