For the longest time, I didn’t know how much shame I lived in, but I know the exact moment when I discovered its presence. I was 37 years old. I was in a group with five other men who met once a month for support and encouragement. On the particular day that my eyes were opened to how much shame I carried around, Tim exploded in the conversation.
Pondering the Unimaginable
Every parent’s worst nightmare unfolded before the eyes of the world today! When I first heard the news, my heart was filled with sadness. I contained the sadness most of the day until I was able to talk to Betty on the phone. Hearing her voice allowed the tears to flow and my grief to be experienced. Something about the unconditional love that I know in her powerful love for me and in our life together tapped into the deepest part of my being.
I am sad. I am not sad because of the death of the children. Death is a part of life, and the God I serve created a world in which our ability to love required that God give us real freedom. That freedom is expressed in a whole host of ways that bring death and destruction. It also is expressed in ways that bring joy and beauty and love.
I’m not one who says that if God loves us God wouldn’t let stuff like this happen. I believe that because God loves us, God has created a world where this kind of thing is possible. On days like today, I don’t like that – but the moment someone tries to take away my freedom, I recognize that I want freedom more than I want anything.
I’m sad because the lives of these children were cut short by someone who used his freedom to reek destruction. There is something deep in me that longs for the shalom of God to be present in every home and neighborhood, every school and city across the world. I’m sad because the parents, the brothers and sisters, grand parents and aunts and uncles, the school teachers and community leaders, and the children who survived will be marked by this and because so many of them will walk through this experience without the awareness that despite this tragedy, each of them – every one of them – is the beloved of God for all eternity.
I’m sad because we live in a world where a child like Adam Lanza and others that he represents are so wounded that they feel they can only respond to their wounding with violence. I’m sad because they live in a world where adults who shape the world of children regularly practice violence as a means of solving their problems. I’m sad because from the entertainment industry to the video game world to our national government we teach children that the way to solve problems is by violence, domination, and death. I’m sad because we will blame Adam Lanza without ever realizing that every one of us help create this situation – by what we say and don’t say, by what we do and don’t do.
I’m sad because we have raised a generation of adults who are more committed to their own ease and convenience, their own pleasure, their own avoidance of pain more than they are committed to the common good, to the shalom of God. I’m sad because leaders will use this to promote many agendas except the agenda of love. I’m sad because we are sad for the children in Newtown but maybe not so sad for the children in Syria or Palestine or Rwanda.
I’ve been pondering this all day! How do people who love and serve God respond to circumstances like this. I’ve been searching the Scriptures and listening to the life and teachings of Jesus. Three words come through loud and clear for me.
The first is grief. I’m grieving today. Jesus said that those who grieve will be comforted. Paul reminded us that we grieve but not as those with no hope. I’m praying for comfort for every person who is impacted by the events in Newton, Connecticut today. I’m praying for the incarnational presence of God to show up in conversations near and far, in acts of kindness, in words of comfort, in the silent presence amidst the unspeakable. I’m praying for compassionate leaders to stand up and find the way of love for this community as they find seek to find their way forward.
The second word is repentance. I’m repenting today. God spoke a word to the ancient King Solomon as recorded in the Hebrew Scripture that is immensely important. He said that when there is a famine in the land, the people of God should repent. The ancient wisdom is that we create the world in which we live. The condition of the land is a reflection of our collective exercising of our responsibility for creating a world where every person – especially the poor, the oppressed and the marginalized – has the opportunity to grow up in a world where love is the dominant experience of every person – whether they love and serve God or not.
I don’t know anything about Adam Lanza except what I’ve read in the news today. But, I believe so much in the power of a mature, sacrificing, giving love that I believe that if the dominant experience of his life had been the experience of love, he could have taken a different path.
The third word is hope. I’m clinging tenaciously to hope. I believe that as a steward of the earth that God’s dream for this world is still possible. The prophet Isaiah is one of many ancients who paint the picture and call us to hope for and responsibly work toward the day when the wolf will live with the lamb, the leopard will lie down with the goat, the calf and the yearling together; and a little child shall lead them. They will neither harm nor destroy on all my holy mountain, for the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the Lord as the waters cover the sea.
Perhaps the hardest thing to do on a day like today is to hope. And despite my grief and in the face of my repentance, I am holding on to hope.
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