I remember my conversations with Tim and the shame I felt when I named the sense of being weak and powerless. I used to refer to it as the “E” word because it felt shameful to say it out loud. I had been “E”masculated as a child and at first, talking about my shame felt like admitting that I was not man enough. Enough for what? Enough to get my dad’s approval? Enough to fit into the masculine cultural stereotype? Enough to develop an intimate relationship with a woman? I’m was not totally sure, but the sense that I was not enough was only exacerbated by naming my emasculation.
With encouragement from my coach I began to tell my shame story. . . at first to Betty and a few trusted friends and then to a growing circle. While I had a growing set of experiences that conveyed that I would not be judged, the old memories and the accompanying shame voice still controlled me.
Today when I tell this story, I can remember the shame that I once felt. But, I no longer feel the shame. So, looking back I can see that it takes courage to overcome shame.
It Also Takes Compassion
One reason it was so difficult to come clean about my shame is that I knew my own shame voice, and I assumed it was what others would say if they only knew.
You are weak. If anyone really knew you, they would humiliate you. Keep a lid on it you loser. Man up. Quit being such a baby. Every body has hard things happen. The fact that you are afraid is just proof that you are not man enough.
This internal shame voice was brutal and it was a huge obstacle to connecting to myself in any real way. The idea of connecting to others was unthinkable. With all that going on in my head, it was all I could do to put on the “I’m strong and self-sufficient, and I don’t need any help” mask.
So, how was the power of that voice broken? For me one key was found in learning to be compassionate with myself. When I first heard that suggested, the idea was a brand new thought. I had been so brutal with myself up until that moment, it was clear that I didn’t know how I could be compassionate with myself.
Again from the Faithwalking community . . . Showing ourselves compassion often means changing the internal dialogue—that “little voice.” We say things to ourselves that we would never say to another person, especially not someone we care about. We have to learn to discipline ourselves to speak kindly to ourselves and to hear the kindness of God, rather than berating ourselves with accusations and name-calling. We can rely heavily on the truths of Scripture about our worth and God’s grace to re-train our internal dialogue. This takes time and practice, but it will be well worth the effort it takes.
One day I asked my colleague, Trisha Taylor, how she taught people to be compassionate with themselves. She said, Talk to yourself like you would want a friend to talk to you. Or imagine that a child was experiencing the brutality of shame and say what you would say to that child. Or say the things you have longed for someone else to say to you.
There is no technique that is universally helpful. I had to learn what worked for me. I remember the first time that I practiced with some success. At a park with some friends, I saw an adult man get angry with a young child (I assumed it was his son.) The man grabbed the boy by the arm and jerked him up from where he was sitting. I heard him say, “You idiot, you’ll never learn. Stupid. You’re just stupid.” Imagine how weak and powerless that child felt in that moment.
Then he grabbed the child and they were gone. I was momentarily paralyzed by the experience. Then as I came to my senses I remembered what my coach had been teaching me. I heard the words, “What would you say to that kid?”
These words came flowing out of my thoughts and tears came to my eyes.
I’m so sorry that happened. You aren’t stupid. You’re a smart kid. Your dad is angry because of something that’s going on in his adult life, and today he just took it out on you.
Then in my mind’s eye, I wrapped my arms around that kid and enveloped him in my embrace and said, You’re going to be ok. I’m here for you. And I held him, and suddenly as the tears flowed, I realized that in my minds eye, I was that kid.
The experience didn’t magically eliminate the power of shame in my life, but it gave me an experience with being compassionate with myself that I was able to build on. I still practice being compassionate with myself today.
photo credit: Alone In The Park